Here we are at the end of 2022 and perhaps over the break we may be considering how we can best take care of ourselves as we move into the next year. This is not to suggest a new year's resolution but simply re-evaluate our values moving forward. One value that may require evaluation are our friendships.
Recently a client presented with neck and shoulder pain. Investigation revealed the duration of the discomfort aligned with a recent event in their life where a friendship had broken down. Through a series of questions, I discovered the friendship was based, lets call them "Rules, Expectations, Guidelines, Constructs etc" had supported the friendship. Campbell et.al 2015 suggest Reciprocal candor, mutual interest, person-ableness, similarity, and physical attraction are the primary factors or constructs that govern friendships.
When I asked them, "How do these constructs benefit or support them now?", their answer was, "They don't". The client then went on to elaborate "They don't" with the following,
1/ I feel betrayed
2/ I will never trust someone like that again
3/ I feel used.
4/ How can somebody behave like that.
5/ There really is no good in people
6/ They hurt me
If we take a look at the above points, we can generally classify them as being of a negative nature, right? That's okay, however the universe likes to operate in balance, hence for every negative there must be a positive. Then in order to create balance in this situation it is necessary to appreciate the opposite or another point of view to the above.
1/ If I don't trust someone like I did then they cannot betray me.
2/ If I hold back my trust I will never be used.
3/ If I don't fully commit to a friendship no one will hurt me.
4/ I will never have expectations of people's behaviours again.
Remember, this is how the client is describing their situation now. For them, the above concepts are now the positive constructs they have created in order to feel safe. So, the question begs, how does one feel safe during a relationship?
According to Campbell et.al 2015 the following underpin friendship chemistry.
I feel like my friend really understands me.
I feel I can tell my friend anything.
I feel like I really understand my friend.
My friend feels like he/she can tell me anything.
The communication between my friend and I is easy and effortless.
My friend feels that he/she can trust me.
I feel like I can trust my friend.
My friend and I had an instant connection.
My friend finds me funny.
I find my friend funny.
I find my friend interesting.
My friend and I find the same things funny.
I feel good when I am around my friend.
My friend finds me interesting.
I get excited to talk to or see my friend.
My friend and I share the same interests.
I care about the general well-being of other people.
I am a warm and caring person.
I am a down-to-earth, genuine person.
My friend is a warm and caring person.
My friend cares about the general well-being of other people.
My friend is a down-to-earth, genuine person.
I like my friend because he/she likes me.
My friend and I have similar values.
My friend and I have similar morals.
My friend and I have similar beliefs about life.
My friend and I have the same life goals.
My friend and I have a similar level of education.
Do you notice that the list above infers a high level of agree-ability. It would appear to me this is where the illusion begins. We somehow either through a learnt process or and inherited understanding associate agree-ability with security and safety. If it had nothing to do with safety and everything to do with agree-ability, we would not be discussing trust and betrayal etc.
We must remind ourselves all of the relationships we have with people out there are all reflections of the relationship we have with ourselves. And any particular relationship that breaks down is a reflection of a relationship with our self that has also broken down. To understand, one must view each relationship simply as a role that is being played i.e father, mother, boyfriend, girlfriend, worker, employee, employer, sports person, friend, close friend etc the roles are not who we are, they are just labels that determine how we interface with our environment. As an example, when an actor comes to the end of filming a particular role do they get stuck and have difficulty returning to real life or do they just move on and get ready for the next role. A successful actor is one that fully invests themselves in the role but is still able to maintain a level of objectivity knowing the role will be over. This might be the key to a successful relationship, invest yourself fully so you can have the complete experience of what the friendship has to offer but also know that it may not last. This doesn't mean you never experience betrayal; it just gives you a greater capacity to move on more quickly.
This is where it starts to get tricky. If we're playing the role of a trusted friend, usually we have invested ourselves in the relationship in such a way that there will always be the likely hood of being let, down, hurt or betrayed. However, we never entertain that idea. So we consign ourselves to this illusion that everything in the friendship will always be okay. And then one day, the agree-ability that provided the bedrock to which the friendship was laid upon without warning comes crashing down and we are left with all the thoughts and feelings mentioned above. And if we do, entertain the idea we may create a level of self-sabotage not allowing us to fully experience the value the friendship has to offer. Effectively we are dammed if we do and dammed if we don't.
So, what do we do in this situation? The client had obviously had some difficulty moving on, otherwise their body would not be showing there was an issue through the mechanism of pain. The client was familiar with forgiveness and had felt they had done enough forgiveness to allow them to not feel any charge relating to the friend. However, through the use of kinesiology the body demonstrated forgiveness of them self was still required. They had done forgiveness towards the judgment they had placed forward on the friend, but they had yet to forgive them self and let go of the judgement they had placed against them self for getting them self in the situation to start with i.e., trusting their illusion of friendship was a finite entity
This is why it is important to complete the exercise to balance the positives and negatives of the situation. The exercise allows the client to see the set of self-prescribed rules, factors, expectation or constructs that govern the friendship when both the client and the friend are agreeable. When the client is able to forgive themselves for the rules etc., they unknowingly placed upon the relationship they can effectively let go and move on when the friendship experiences disagreement or breakdown.
Reference:
Friendship Chemistry: An examination of underlying factors. Kelly Campbell, Nicole Holderness and Matt Riggs. Pubmed 2015
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